Parent trap
24 August 2009, 01:50am IST As a parent, you want to provide your child with the best, and hence, it becomes vital to plan every detail of his or her career. However, often, this long-term planning is merely parents attempting to fulfill their unrealised dreams which can be detrimental to a child's success. Minnu Bhonsle lists some dos and don'ts DON'T ...treat your child as an investment Case 1: Nikhil Chandra's* parents always wanted him to study to become a doctor, so that he could attend to them in their old age. In fact, they raised him in such a manner that he grew up believing that he was 'destined' to become a doctor. He never questioned this strongly embedded belief until he was 40. Suddenly it dawned on him that he did not want to be where he was. However, he didn't know where he really wanted to be either. Following counselling sessions, he pursued a part-time MBA, and became a public relations consultant. Often, parents of four or five-year-olds are seen anxiously planning their child's higher education, visiting educational fairs, discussing the top 10 universities and B-schools and updating themselves on the most lucrative and prestigious careers - all without taking into consideration the child's potential and aspirations. They influence their child's career aspirations, while disallowing him/her to nurture a personal dream. Such children grow up assuming that the parental dream is a personal dream, and strive hard to achieve it. However, even if they manage to fulfill their parent's desires, they often remain deeply discontented. When this discontentment begins to overwhelm the child at a later stage in life, he may seek a career shift. This may also prove to be elusive however, because the child has never been taught to think independently. The burgeoning discontentment and indecisiveness can ultimately lead to existential neurosis, which mimics clinical depression. ...force your child to do something he/she does not want to Case 2: Ravi Mehta* could neither make it to any university abroad, nor achieve much success in his career. His insecurity and intense need to preserve his social pride led him to make several fake claims. However, when his self-deception caught up with him, he forced his son into doing what he had failed to do - attending a prestigious, foreign university, and pursuing an 'enviable' career. Despite his disinterest in academics, his son was privately tutored and pushed through schooling. The child developed a very low self-esteem, took to drugs to overcome his feelings of inadequacy, and finally died of an overdose of his lethal addiction. Very often, parents vicariously strive to live through their children. They become obsessed about redeeming themselves through their child, and may harbour a secret desire to prove to themselves and the world that although they may not have made it big, their child definitely has. Children of such parents are often subjected to 'the carrot or the stick' routine to get them to preserve their parents' image in society, and suffer as a result of it. ...try to create the perfect human specimen Case 3: Arun Gandhi* was the son of highly educated and successful parents, who wanted to do everything in their power to make him successful as well. When 'normal' kids recited nursery rhymes and the names of fruits, vegetables and animals, Gandhi's parents taught him the names of countries and their capitals, historical facts with dates, mantra chanting and Vedic mathematics. They started researching universities and saving for their son's foreign education, when he was just five. But the boy grew up to become a grooming consultant, and when his parents refused to accept his chosen vocation, he left home to follow his dream. In a bid to provide their child with the best learning opportunities and exposure, parents in today's competitive world, cease to reflect on what is required to raise a happy child. Children these days are so busy attending tuitions, dance, etiquette, drama/elocution and sports classes that they have no time to pursue their individual hobbies. Cases of teenage depression, anxiety and clinical rage are also on the rise. While much thought and time is put into making a child competent, very little is invested in helping him become a content person. Such parents try to 'create' the perfect humans at the cost of their child's well-being. While parents should save up for their child's higher education, the money is best used in building the child's personal passion, and giving him a head start in whatever vocation he has chosen. DO ...give your child unconditional love and acceptance The need of the hour is for parents to realise that a child needs unconditional love and acceptance. Only then will he be able to maximise his potential and blossom. Progressive parents may zealously want to encourage a talent in their child and help him pursue it as a profession. However, a child who sings beautifully or has a sporting ability may not necessarily want to transform his talent into a profession. Pushing the child into perfecting his talent and pursuing it as a career may actually prove to be detrimental for young children. Parents should bear in mind that the interests of the child might change dramatically with age and maturity. As parents, their responsibility lies in allowing the child to gradually discover his calling, while loving him all the way. *Names have been changed to protect identity (The writer is a consulting psychotherapist and counsellor
at Heart To Heart Counselling Centre) |
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